Archive for the Sex Category

OLIVIA MUNN’S GUIDE TO APHRODISIACS (COMPLEX)

Posted in Sex on June 27, 2009 by strikewithnumbers

FOOD
A.K.A. “PUT IT IN HER MOUTH”

CHOCOLATE
Pro: Cheaper than vodka!
Con: She thinks chocolate is better than sex.

OYSTERS
Pro: Shuck a dozen and wifey should be ready for a pearl necklace.
Con: You’re turned off by briny breath.

AVOCADO
Pro: The Aztecs called avocado plants “testicle trees.”
Con: You really want a testicle tree?

BEVERAGES
A.K.A. “SWALLOW THE LITER”

CHAMPAGNE
Pro: The alcohol sets her up; the bubbles knock her down.
Con: Having to resist the urge to pour it all over her.

V8
Pro: The vitamin C sets her up for the vitamin D, you dig?
Con:Her breath smells like a food co-op.

BOONE’S FARM WINE
Pro: It goes down easy. And so will she.
Con: You’ve got to finish by 4 to get her to soccer practice on time.

SUPPLEMENTS
A.K.A. “JUST SAY YES”

SPANISH FLY
Pro: You’ll get extra points for retro-kitsch.
Con: An OD can cause permanent genital damage. LOL!

HORNY GOAT WEED
Pro: Available at any local bodega.
Con: Bodega impulse buys aren’t a good look, word to single-bagged pickles.

VIAGRA
Pro: Prescribed to women with physiological problems with sex.
Con: She develops a four-hour erection.

ACTIVITIES
A.K.A. “PLAYMATES”

YOGA
Pro: She’ll be ready for the downward-facing doggystyle.
Con: You’ll be Russell Simmons, minus the loot.

MINIATURE GOLF
Pro: After 18 holes you just might get to three-stroke the 19th.
Con: Getting your balls caught in the clown’s mouth.

WATCHING PORN
Pro: You don’t have to explain what a Jamaican Accordion is.
Con: You’re nowhere near as big as Lex Steele.

via complex

-Papa Smiggs

Advertisements